she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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