Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
