I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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