My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize