I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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