Whats the glycemic index on semen?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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