Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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