In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
