I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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