I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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