How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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