I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
