I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
