How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
