the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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