very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
