I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
