i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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