i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
