Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
