if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
