Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
you didnt know i had herpes?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
