Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
