I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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