mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
