I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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