I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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