bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
