We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
