there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
