she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
