life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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