Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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