I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
