i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
