Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
