I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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