I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
