Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
