thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
