you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
