Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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