i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
