Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
