I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
