Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
