is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
