I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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