im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
