Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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