this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
