There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
