the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
