I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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