This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The air was thick with penises
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
