all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
