i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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