Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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