Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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