The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
