my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
